I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
wow bdsm is so cute
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
