sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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