Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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