i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
