forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
