I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
