i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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