Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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