its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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