I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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