I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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