She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
