ya dads aren't the best wingmen
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
FUCK WHALES
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
