Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Watching her eat just hurts me
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Randomize
