They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
