The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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