I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
