My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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