listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
