i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
