she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
