Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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