life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
