I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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