why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
handjob tips. give me some.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
