In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
