I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
