I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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