She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
