I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
