i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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