What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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