You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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