can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
