True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
