somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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