I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
