It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
