sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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