I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
