How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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