You're a womanizer and a bitch.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Green mimosas i think yes
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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