I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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