i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
