i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Girls should come with a carfax report
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
