I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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