I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
