Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
