Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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