i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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