when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
