what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
