help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
