I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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