I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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