if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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