Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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