Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
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