Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
