True but thats because hes a fetus.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
