I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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