in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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