If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
