Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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